Lost: My Season Three Wishlist

I WANT TO SEE MORE OF:

1) NotHenry and the other Others/Hostiles - who are they, why are they on the island, and what is their agenda?

2) Danielle - give her a flashback to show what happened to her crew, and have her kick some ass, preferably with Sayid.

3) Alex - a strong, interesting new female character

4) Libby/Elizabeth - she was killed off just when her story got interesting, let her appear in more flashbacks and explain her story. Was she an Other? Why does she have a different wig on in every flashback?

5) Walt - tell us why the Others kidnapped him, and what they did to him. He deserves an episode and the viewers deserve an answer.

6) Desmond - at least give him another flashback --even if you kill him off, which I hope you don't.

7) Christian (Jack's dad) - either reveal what he has to do with the island/Dharma, or be done with him. Also, what happened to his body?

8) Jin - I hope the writers had more than 'silent fishing Korean' in mind when they created his character.

9) Sun, Claire, Charlie - either utilize them more or be done with them - we don't need to have characters on the show who have no purpose other than sitting around on the beach.

10) Sayid - Make him the new leader for the Losties.

11) Lostzilla - Where did it disappear? Don't introduce mystical elements/storylines if you are going to just forget them.

12) Island exploring - More action and characters interacting with each other -- characters other than Kate, Jack or Sawyer.

13) Shorter/More interesting flashbacks - I don't need another 'Jack in the ER' flashback, give us something that will move the story along.

Go Bananas! Introducing UK Big Brother

This is the seventh Big Brother series in Britain, and every year they seem to pick more and more wackier, and attention seeking people into the house. There haven't been 'normal' people in there since, like series three. It makes for a very addicting and entertaining TV, of course.

This year's housemates have been in the UK Big Brother house for only 10 days, and so far; one of them [Shahbaz] was allegedly put on suicide watch after threatening to kill himself - and was then, basically asked to leave the house; one [Dawn] was thrown out after breaking the house rules by receiving a bogus distress message from her sister, which included a coded message; and only one [Bonnie] has been voted out by the public last night in the first real eviction.

Well, what else can you expect when; one contestant has Tourette's Sydrome; one has, and I quote 'largest breast implants in the UK'; one claims to have entered the house 'to find a rich and famous man'; one thinks his body is 'the closest example of perfection in humans'.

Here are the contestant profiles--all 14 of them--from the official Big Brother website:

GLYN
AGE: 18
HOME: Blaenau Ffestiniog, North Wales
JOB: Part-time lifeguard / Head Boy in Sixth Form
HE SAYS: I want to do BB to get nationwide attention and show off my sexy body to millions.

"Claiming to have a body that's "the closest example to perfection", he's also a complex character who all the girls love. He says he does a poo after every meal and reckons he's no Dr Doolittle, claiming to hate all animals - and he reckons that they hate him too."

DAWN
AGE: 38
HOME: Birmingham
JOB: Exercise Scientist
FAVOURITE FILM: Horror
FAVOURITE BOOK: No novels, just textbooks
FAVOURITE FOOD: Strict vegetarian
SHE SAYS: I point out people's mistakes, which I am always right about as I never lose an argument.

"A determined and serious lady, Dawn is a strict vegetarian who loves her own company. She takes pleasure in reading textbooks, and spends a lot of time finding fault with things. Dawn was ejected from the Big Brother House on Day 8. This was because she broke a fundamental rule of Big Brother: making contact with the outside world."

LISA
AGE: 27
HOME: Manchester
JOB: Upholsterer
FAVOURITE FILM: Anything
SHE SAYS: I love slobbing around in my pyjamas with loads of food and beer, so much you could never eat it all.

"Lisa's a laddish lady who describes herself as "wild, crazy and sexy." A fluent Chinese speaker, she's quiet at home but full of energy on a night out. She says that if anyone crosses her, they'll definitely know about it."

SHAHBAZ
AGE: 37
HOME: Glasgow
JOB: Unemployed - for 21 years
FAVOURITE FILM: Grease (when he was a child)
HE SAYS: In the words of Oscar Wilde 'Know thyself' - I do and I sleep well at night for this knowledge.

"Shahbaz is a huge fan of Kylie Minogue and knitting. He has a great sense of humour but can't stand hypocrisy and double standards. A bit of a party animal, he can survive on as little as four hours of sleep a night. Shahbaz chose to walk out of the Big Brother House on Day 6."

NIKKI
AGE: 24
HOME: Middlesex
JOB: Model / dancer
STARSIGN: Aries
FAVOURITE BOOK: The Sport, The Sun and The Star
FAVOURITE FOOD: McDonald's and pizza
SHE SAYS: The three words I'd use to describe myself would be funny, ruthless and attractive.

"This wannabe footballer's wife enjoys nothing better than pampering herself and clubbing the night away. She survives on a diet of tabloid papers, burgers and pizza and has a straight-talking approach to dealing with people."

GEORGE
AGE: 19
HOME: London
JOB: Student
HE SAYS: My perfect day would be driving a fast car.

"Posh George is a self-confessed mummy's boy with royal connections. His life of privilege sees him spending most of his time around Chelsea, but he hopes to broaden his mind during his time in the House. He describes himself as stubborn, posh and comical."

LEA
AGE: 35
HOME: Nottingham
JOB: Model / Single mum
FAVOURITE FILM: Pretty Woman/Dirty Dancing/Snatch
FAVOURITE TV-SHOW: Emmerdale/Big Brother
SHE SAYS: I am an honest but nasty mid-life crisis bird with a body to die for and a temper too!

"Model Lea used to be 22 stone, and says she now has the largest breast implants in the UK. She admits to being grumpy in the morning until she's had a cup of tea!"

MIKEY
AGE: 22
HOME: Liverpool
JOB: Software Developer and Model
FAVOURITE FILM: Scary Movie, Taxi Driver
HE SAYS: My penis controls my brain!

"This obsessively tidy young man is a big fan of clubbing and girls. He's good for getting the party going, but has a terrible habit of telling people how to do things. His party piece is opening bottles with his teeth!"

IMOGEN
AGE: 23
HOME: London
JOB: Bar Hostess
SHE SAYS: I wouldn't want other housemates to know I'm a beauty queen!

"This sexy, edgy and confident hostess loves her job as she gets to meet amazing people and make great contacts. A real Welsh beauty, she has brains as well as looks but hates jokes because she doesn't really get them."

PETE
AGE: 24
HOME: Brighton
JOB: Unemployed/rock'n'roll singer/cartoonist
FAVOURITE FILM: Alien, Donnie Darko and Dumb and Dumber
FAVOURITE BOOK: Comics
FAVOURITE FOOD: Thai
HE SAYS: I love techno, Billy Idol, and Jim Carrey and hate drum & bass, rude people and big hairy spiders!

"Pete's a fun-loving guy. He likes reading, draws comics, fronts a rock band and suffers from Tourette's Syndrome. He has a pet hamster, Magic, who roams about his place and lives in the wall."

GRACE
AGE: 20
HOME: London
JOB: Dance teacher
SHE SAYS: I am pure grace.

"Grace has lived on her own for three years and loves it. She claims her life could only be improved if she could cook, had a garden and wasn't such a tidy freak. She says that her worst habit is that's she's a total name dropper when it comes to clothes."

SEZER
AGE: 26
HOME: London
JOB: Stockbroker / Property Developer
HE SAYS: The three words I would use to describe myself would be: made of platinum!

"Ladies' man Sezer loves horses, money, women and house music, but hates politics and Tony Blair. He likes his luxuries, and as a former boxer is very competitive."

BONNIE
AGE: 19
HOME: Loughborough
JOB: Care Worker
SHE SAYS: I deal with boredom by getting naked and terrorising it up!

"Bonnie's a real Mummy's girl who has no bad habits apart from putting her hands down her trousers a lot. She hates people snoring, creepy crawlies and heights, but she does like to blaze it up!" Bonnie was the first contestant to be evicted from the Big Brother house

RICHARD
AGE: 33
HOME: London
JOB: Waiter
STARSIGN: Leo
FAVOURITE FILM: 2046, Central Station and The Pacifier ("because it has Vin Diesel and babies")
FAVOURITE BOOK: The Lover by Margarite Duras
FAVOURITE FOOD: He doesn't 'do' processed food!
HE SAYS: I'm sexual, passionate and hostile.

"Richard loves freedom of speech, friends and big, big men. He hates dumbness, racism and processed food. He has a huge phobia of pregnant women and his idea of a perfect day would be to go to prison!"

I'll be keeping you posted, but in the meanwhile, you can watch Big Brother online on the official website.

Just for Chuckles: Clayken Impersonator

So Taylor was crowned the new American Idol with 63.4 million votes, but more importantly, check out this hilarious clip of Michael Sandecki, the Clay Aiken 'impersonator', meeting the real Clay on stage - even Ryan is frightened.

Is That You God?

I swear to God, my socks are staring right at me! Noooo! And now the marshmallows are attacking! Marshmallows are your friends... Quick, before they form an army!

Bluth Family Quote of the Day

"I decided to sleep in the car so my snoring wouldn't bother you [mother], and I left that recording of my snoring so you wouldn't know I'm gone."

[Buster Bluth]

Congratulations, Bitches!

By popular demand, I bring you the lyrics to Iceland's Eurovision Song Contest song, performed by Silvia Night. This really is the best shit. You can't make this up.

Congratulations

"Hey you, looking at me, I’m talking to you
I’m Silvia Night shining in the light –
I know you want me tooBorn in Reykjavik
in a different league – no damn eurotrashfreak
The vote is in, they say I win
To bad for all the others

So congratulations I have arrived
I’m Silvia Night and I’m shining so bright
Eurovision nation your dreams will come true
You’ve been waiting forever
For me to save you
Wham bam boom

My song’s totally cool no yesterday’s news
Really hot okay, really not too gay
I’m coming here to stay
Want a piece of me, listen carefully
You’ll be D.E.A.D.
So boys and girls around the world,
Let’s meet next year in Iceland

So congratulations I have arrived
I’m Silvia Night and I’m shining so bright
Eurovision nation your dream’s coming true
You’ve been waiting forever
For me to save you

(phone - conversation)
Hello is it god? What’s up dog?
It’s your favourite person in the world
Silvia Night I’m saving the world
See you...bye

So congratulations I have arrived
I’m Silvia Night and I’m shining so bright
Eurovision nation your dreams will come true
You’ve been waiting forever
For me to save you
Wham bam boom

So congratulations I have arrived
I’m Silvia Night and I’m shining so bright
Eurovision nation your dreams will come true
Vote for your hero that’s what you must do
I love you"

[She actually finishes the song with " I love you my European Children."]

Gay Undertones Galore!

Oh boy, I just finished watching The Eurovision Song Contest,
and this show is always so bad it just can't be missed. The whole contest is one big eurotrash gay-apalooza! The key is to be as drunk as possible and treat the viewing experience as a musical ripe for parody. Love it!

This year, the event is held in Athens, Greece, and first in line are the semifinals, which lead to the big finale on Saturday. So there are 23 performances today, but only 10 of them get to be in the finale, voted by the viewers at home, of course.

Here's a brief recap of of the conversation that went on while watching the semifinals:

BELARUS:
[Me:] "First of all, I've never even heard of this country. Does that make me a bad person?"
[Viewing Buddy:] "No, just a stupid one.".
[Me:] "Hmmm... sounds a lot like Russian pop music, you know, like TATU --aren't they the fake-lesbians, or as I like to call them; 'flesbians'?"

ALBANIA:
[Viewing Buddy:] "What do you think of this guy then?"
[Me:] "I don't know. Looks a bit too constipated/Fabio-like. Why am I seeing gay undertones everywhere today?"

ANDORRA:
First off, a voice-over informs us that the next singer has a life-long dream of having dinner with the corpse, also known as Marc Athony. Enough said.
[Me:] "This performance is just like Victoria's Secret-show on crack! By the way, I wish someone would be singing in French tonight."
[Viewing Buddy:] "Um... There is France..."
[Me:] "OMG, you are right! I didn't even think of that... Hey didn't Celine Dion perform once in the Eurovision Song Contest?

MONACO:
Just really bad gay dancers. In red skirts. At one point one of them collapses on the ground, and then tries to save what's left of his performance by doing an awful imitation of 'the robot'. It does not work in his favour.
[Me:] "Are they singing something about coconuts?"

POLAND:
[Me:] "LOL! This is a gay reincarnation of the...woman who has snakes in her head...What was she called again?"
[Viewing Buddy:] "Medusa?"

RUSSIA:
[Me:]"Another gay Mark Owen look-a-like. And look; ballerinas!"
After the performance a voice-over makes a point to tell us that one of the ballerinas had to stay away tonight because she was refused a visa to enter the country. I shed a tear.

UKRAINE:
A voice-over telling that the next singer was born outside, in a minus 50 degree (Celcius) weather.
[Me:] "Now that's what I'm talking about. Those kinds of facts are really the reason why I'm watching. Also, gays with tambourines!"

FINLAND:
[Me:] "Oh lord... Now it has wings..."
[Viewing Buddy:] "Hard rock hallelujah!"

THE NETHERLANDS:
[Me:] "Bongos! Girl power! Are they seriously singing 'There are words to find in a place to hide'?"
[Viewing Buddy:] "I think most of it's gibberish."
[Me:] "Well that one goes without saying."
After the song a voice-over informs us that the group has been performing in 37 countries before this - which is impressive, even if no one noticed.

LITHUANIA:
The group singing "We are the winners...of the Eurovision."
[Me:] "It's gays stuck in the 80's! This is definitely in the 'so bad it's good' category."
[Viewing Buddy:] "Nice to see some actual sarcasm on stage."
[Me:] "Oh was there? I didn't catch that..."

PORTUGAL:
[Me:] "This group is a total Abba rip-off! They are singing 'the dancing queen', right?"
Group singing "We're gonna make you dance. Make you with style."
[Viewing Buddy:] "They certainly seem to love their outfits..."
[Me:] "It's flesbians in glittery spandex-ready wear. I like the hats though"
[Viewing Buddy:] "This is one of my favourites."

SWEDEN:
[Viewing Buddy:] "Do you think she's had any botox?"
[Me:] "I haven't seen the face close up yet."
[Viewing Buddy:] "Yeah but just look at that forehead. It doesn't even move! Must be the pressure of having won before..."
[Me:] "She's won before? What, so they just send the same singer every year?"

ESTONIA:
[Me:] "Well that outfit certainly doesn't change the 'russian hooker' stereotype, now does it? What is that, a wrestling champion belt?"
[Viewing Buddy:] "I think it's a boxer's belt..."

BOSNIA-HERZEGOVINA:
[Me:] "Violins! Oh this is by far my favourite. It's gays in white!"
[Viewing Buddy:] "Yeah...I'm excited..."

ICELAND:
A voice-over is saying that the next singer has caused some controversy and bad blood between the other contestants by her constant bad attitude and behaviour, and that the song even has the treaded 'F'-word in it.
[Me:] "So naturally I'm interested now!"
[Viewing Buddy:] "Wow, they are booing her!"
[Me:] "How do they know to boo beforehand though?
[Viewing Buddy:] "Well...The audience does get the performance list beforehand..."
[Me:] "Oh, this is the best shit ever! It's like Paris Hilton on crack, or a man in drag!"
[Viewing Buddy:] "Did she just call God 'dog'?"

I should mention that between the performances we are treated to a footage gathered from a Eurovision slave's...volunteer's point of view. Truly fascinating stuff.

[Viewing Buddy:] "Hey do you wanna go and be a volunteer next year?"
[Me:] "Who could resist the yellow t-shirts?"
[Viewing Buddy:] "I'm serious!"
[Me:] "Would we get hazard pay?"

Ok, so after all the 23 performances, of what really felt and sounded like a one continuous song, they are asking people to vote for their favourites. While the voting is going on the presenters have to entertain --there are two of them-- the crowd. Apparently the other one is a singer and is asked to perform while the votes are being counted, and you can just see the audience being so enthusiastic about this, going 'yeah, bitch...whatever'.
It's sad.

[Me:] "I like the dress the presenter is wearing."
[Viewing Buddy:] "It's pretty."
[Me:] "I mean the woman."
[Viewing Buddy:] "Yeah, I got that."

The results are in and the 10 countries who win a place to the finale are: Russia, Ireland, Finland, Turkey, Ukraine, Sweden, Former Yugoslavia..., Bosnia-Herzegovina, Lithuania and Armenia.

[Me:] "How the hell do you suppose they count all the votes from different countries this fast?"
[Viewing Buddy:] "It's called technology."


You simply must watch the finale online on the official
Eurovision website this Saturday!

Bluth Family Quote of the Day

"I shall duck behind the couch."

[Wayne Jarvis, attorney in law]

Just for Chuckles: Liza Minnelli on Larry King

Click here to watch the hysterical clip of Liza Minnelli's appearance on the Larry King show from a few months ago. Warning: The following clip might be disturbing as it includes sudden outbursts of laughter and general crazyness throughout. Watch at your own risk.

The Banana Stand Wants You

Do YOU have any funny/weird/just plain bad
photos you'd like to share?
Then Go Bananas! and send me an email to
blog_thebananas@yahoo.com.
All photos will be greatly appreciated!

[Only submit photographs/images that you own the rights to.]

More TV News: CBS Schedule Unveiled

The current number one network CBS -- or as I like to call it
'The Jerry Bruckheimer Network' --has announced it's new
2006-2007 schedule with only four new shows.
The new shows; three dramas and one comedy are joining the lineup of 18 shows from last year, including six shows from last season's freshman class ('How I Met Your Mother', 'The New Adventures of Old Christine', 'Criminal Minds', 'Ghost Whisperer', 'Close to Home', 'The Unit').

Extremely happy that Julia Louis-Dreyfus beat the Seinfeld 'curse' and had her new show 'The New Adventures of Old Christine' renewed, equally happy about 'How I Met Your Mother', but cannot understand how 'Two and a Half Men' is apparently rated as 'the number one returning comedy' in television?! That show to me is in the same category with 'According To Jim' types. I guess there must really be a shortage of good comedies at the moment...

[Crickets. Occasional bird sound.]

But on to the three new dramas with a lonely comedy thrown in:

THE CLASS
"From Emmy Award winner David Crane ("Friends") and Emmy Award nominee Jeffrey Klarik ("Mad About You"), is a comedy about the lives of a group of 20-somethings who are inextricably bound together having shared the same third grade class. Now face to face at an impromptu reunion to celebrate the 20th anniversary of the day they met, they wonder if they'll have anything in common besides vague memories of playground kisses and underwear sightings on the monkey bars. Turns out they do. After two decades apart for most of them, some are eager to show off, some want to rekindle old crushes and others just want to satisfy their curiosity. Whatever the case, their lives will intersect from this point forward, sharing childhood memories and dealing with adult issues -- career, relationships and the general direction or misdirection life will take them. Jason Ritter ("Joan of Arcadia"), Heather Goldenhersh ("The Merchant of Venice"), Lizzy Caplan ("Related"), Jon Bernthal ("Revenge of the Middle-Aged Woman"), Sean Maguire ("Eve"), Jesse Tyler Ferguson ("Putnam County Spelling Bee"), Lucy Punch ("Ella Enchanted") and Andrea Anders ("Joey") also star."

SMITH
"Stars Emmy Award winner Ray Liotta ("ER," "Goodfellas,") as a criminal mastermind in a drama about a close-knit crew of career criminals who plot and execute intricate and ingenious high-stakes heists across the country. Though Bobby Stevens (Liotta) appears to be a regular family man with a nine-to-five job, he's actually an expert thief who is seeking just two or three more big jobs so he can finally leave the business for a comfortable, lawful lifestyle with his wife, Hope (Academy Award nominee Virginia Madsen, "Sideways"). Bobby's second family, his core band of partners, each bring their own areas of expertise to pulling off the biggest and most sophisticated armed robberies. The FBI is determined to catch the team but is most interested in capturing "Smith," the crew's mysterious leader and the brains behind the entire operation. It remains to be seen whether Bobby will be able to extricate himself in time from the scores that give him such a rush, or if his retirement will be a forced one -- behind bars. Jonny Lee Miller ("Trainspotting"), Franky G ("Saw II"), Simon Baker ("The Guardian") and Amy Smart ("Felicity") also star."

JERICHO
"A drama about what happens when a nuclear mushroom cloud suddenly appears on the horizon, plunging the residents of a small, peaceful Kansas town into chaos, leaving them completely isolated and wondering if they're the only Americans left alive. Fear of the unknown propels Jericho into social, psychological and physical mayhem when all communication and power is shut down. The town starts to come apart at the seams as terror, anger and confusion bring out the very worst in some residents. But in this time of crisis, as sensible people become paranoid, personal agendas take over and well-kept secrets threaten to be revealed, some people will find an inner strength they never knew they had and the most unlikely heroes will emerge. Skeet Ulrich ("Scream"), Gerald McRaney ("Ike: Countdown to D-Day"), Ashley Scott ("Dark Angel"), Pamela Reed ("Proof of Life"), Kenneth Mitchell ("The Recruit"), Lennie James ("Sahara"), Sprague Grayden ("Six Feet Under"), Michael Gaston ("Prison Break") and Erik Knudsen ("Saw II") star."

SHARK
"Stars multiple Academy Award nominee and Emmy Award winner James Woods ("Ghosts of Mississippi," "ER") as Sebastian Stark, a charismatic, supremely self-confident defense attorney who, after a shocking outcome in one of his cases and a personal epiphany, brings his cutthroat tactics to the prosecutor's office. As the head of the Los Angeles District Attorney's High Profile Crime Unit, Stark works for Jessica Devlin, (Jeri Ryan, "The O.C."), the ambitious and accomplished D.A. who despises his ruthless strategies. Devlin teams him with a group of young prosecutors who are about to have the learning experience of a lifetime because, though Stark is seeking to redeem himself, he has no intention of cooling his underhanded approach to cases just because he's now working for the "good guys." Sam Page ("American Dreams"), Alexis Cruz ("American Family"), Sarah Carter ("Numb3rs"), Danielle Panabaker ("Mom at Sixteen"), Romy Rosemont ("CSI: Crime Scene Investigation") and Sophina Brown ("Without a Trace") also star."

Read the rest of the official network statement here.

NOTE: The CW Network will release it's official fall schedule tomorrow but it has already been officially established that Veronica Mars will get a third season--doing a happy dance--but that sadly Everwood will not be picked up by the network. More inexplicably, they have picked up One Tree Hill instead. In conclusion, I think that the executives at CW must be on something to make a decision like this, but on the other hand, they did bring back Veronica Mars, so...

Bluth Family Quote of the Day

"The guy [warden] runs a prison, he can have any
piece of ass he wants."

[Tobias Fúnke]

Just for Chuckles: Domo Arigato, Mr.Roboto!

Click here to watch the hilarious 'Mr.Roboto' Volkswagen commercial, circa 1999, starring our very own Baby-Buster; Mr.Tony Hale.

Go Bananas! Veggie Loving and Brian Grazer

VEGGIE LOVE
According to Pamela Anderson and a PETA [People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals] spokesperson, who are working hard trying to get the word out on vegetariasm, and apparently how it's related to...all things intercourse, "The best sex tip is to go veggie." [PR-Inside.com]
I'll never look at a vegetable the same way again.

WHAT THE HELL IS BRIAN GRAZER DOING THERE?
In the funniest and weirdest story NY Daily News is reporting that mega-producer Brian Grazer ('A Beautiful Mind', 'Arrested Development', 'The Da Vinci Code'...) has a rather odd habit of bringing you a ...photograph of himself. Unsuspectingly!

"Grazer's signature gag is to arrive at your house, sneak off to the bookcase or
piano where you keep your cherished family portraits and then place a framed
picture of himself. One Hollywood hostess recalls that, days after her party, "I
looked up the shelf where I keep pictures of my grandmother and said, 'What the
hell is Brian Grazer doing there?'"

ABC Announces Schedule

Sing the alphabet song! ABC has announced it's schedule for 2006-2007, and is adding six new dramas and comedies to it's already impressive lineup.

I was glad that the fairly new show 'What About Brian' didn't get the axe, disappointed that 'Desperate Housewives' didn't (kidding, love that Teri and his...er...her wholesome face), but it just absolutely baffles me how something like 'According To Jim' gets renewed. At all!

I mean, who are the people watching this type of mediocre television? Are the shows so cost-effective that they stay in the game despite their lack of quality content, whereas other shows higher in quality get the boot because they are so much more expensive to produce?

[Silence. Akward stares. Possibility of handpuppets.]

Anyways, the most interesting bunch of the new shows are:

HELP ME HELP YOU
"Whoever came up with the idea of group therapy? Take a bunch of people who are all really messed up in different ways and put them in a room together to try and help each other out. The group leader, Dr. Bill Hoffman, is probably the craziest and most self-obsessed of all, but his patients would never know it because he hides behind his very respectable celebrity image as a bestselling author of phenomenally successful self-help books.
Directed by Brian Dannelly (“Saved,” “Weeds”), the series explores the comical side of group therapy as members of the group apply the good doctor's advice to the real world with enthusiastic effort, until they begin to realize maybe Dr. Bill should be doing the heavy lifting along with them. Ted Danson (“Cheers”) stars."

LET'S ROB...
"For almost 20 years, Eugene Gurkin has dreamt of opening a bar, but his dead end job on the late, late janitorial shift won't even fund a bottle of premium booze. In the wake of a co-worker's death, he catches an episode of television. Call it divine intervention, call it a dumb idea, but whatever it is takes hold of Eugene and soon he recruits a group of misfits into his "gang" for a heist to finance their dreams. The target: Rock icon Mick Jagger’s super-luxe Central Park West apartment. Working together, this band of affable, new-age Robin Hoods, who have never even shoplifted a candy bar, are soon casing the joint and prepping for their crime. What they don't know is that there's a much richer target for them… the chance to find hope, self-esteem and confidence within themselves.From Jon Beckerman and Rob Burnett, producers of “Late Show with David Letterman” and creators of “Ed,” comes a hilarious tale of haves and have nots. Donal Logue (“Grounded for Life”) stars."

MEN IN TREES
"From the head writer of “Sex and the City” comes a fun and sexy drama about finding love in the most unexpected places. Anne Heche (“Nip/Tuck”) stars."

THE NINE
"Nine people will face (just such) an unexpected twist when they are caught in a bank robbery gone wrong and endure a 52-hour hostage standoff that will leave more than one person dead. When all is said and done, these people will never be the same. They will share the common bond of what happens inside the bank and will be forever affected and intertwined because of it. From the creator of “Without a Trace” and an executive producer of “The West Wing” comes a dramatic character study that will keep audiences hooked with the mystery of what happened during the hostage standoff. Each episode will begin with a flashback to reveal another 10 minutes of the hostage crisis, uncovering why and how these nine strangers are still linked today. Tim Daly (“Wings”), Chi McBride (“Boston Public”) and Scott Wolf (“Party of Five”) star."

And note to Lost/Alias fans, a show J.J.Abrams is involved in:

SIX DEGREES
"In this hour-long drama from the producers of “Lost” and “Alias,” six very different New Yorkers go about their lives without realizing the impact they're having on one another – yet. A mysterious web of coincidences will gradually draw these strangers closer, changing the course of their lives forever. Is it happenstance? Fate? Is there a greater force at work in our world, guiding us along and connecting our lives?
This intriguing tale of intertwined destinies reminds us that romance, success, peace or forgiveness might be right around the corner, but they can also be lost in an instant. It’s a story that underlines just how small the world really is, and how someone just five people away might be shaping our future right now. Jay Hernandez (“Friday Night Lights”), Erika Christensen (“Flightplan”), Bridget Moynahan (“Sex and the City”), Dorian Missick (“Lucky Number Slevin”), Hope Davis (“About Schmidt”) and Campbell Scott (“The Secret Lives of Dentists”) star."

Read the whole network statement here .

Bluth Family Quote of the Day

"I'll be in the crawl space."

[Maeby Fúnke]

Fun Fact: Bees in Training

If you thought that bees were only good for producing honey, then think again!
Even though bee's brains are only one-twenty thousandth the size of ours, they can actually be trained to do a multitude of useful tasks.

Just your common honey bees can be trained to recognize people's faces and track down explosives, landmines and chemicals such as illegal drugs. I love me some bees!
Apparently bees are trained pretty much the way dogs are and their reward of choice is none other than food - well, beats a pat on the head, right.

So can you train a bee not to sting? I'll get right on it, but in the meanwhile methinks you would be better off with drones (male bees) because they complitely lack the stingers.

Pretty impressive you say. Well then get your buzz on and imagine a world where a swarm of well trained, stinger-free bees are patrolling the streets at night; hunting down drug dealers, unibombers and...people's faces and - apart from impaired hearing problems - we'd have much safer neighbourhoods, lower taxes, plus more of that sweet honey to go by with; Hurray for the Bee Force!

NBC Announces Fall Schedule

NBC is the first network to announce their new schedule for 2006-2007 today, and I have to admit it's looking pretty good for the troubled peacock network. On top of welcoming back an endangered gem like Scrubs, they are serving us with six new dramas and four new comedies.

The shows that I'll be counting on to feed my obsession for quality television are:

20 GOOD YEARS
"This high-energy comedy follows two New Yorkers who have finally realized that life doesn't last forever. Mismatched buddies John Mason (Emmy Award winner John Lithgow, "3rd Rock from the Sun"), an impulsive, thrice-divorced surgeon who has been forced into retirement — and Jeffrey Pyne (Jeffrey Tambor, "Arrested Development"), a widower judge who agonizes over every situation — are polar opposites in every way. The one thing the duo can agree on is that they only have about 20 good years left and both men vow to live each day as if it were their last — with no regrets."

ANDY BARKER, P.I.
"Andy Richter ("Late Night with Conan O'Brien") re-teams with co-writer and executive producer Conan O'Brien in this comedy as he portrays Andy Barker, an earnest, hard-working CPA who has succeeded at everything — that is until his new accounting business fails to take off. But when he's mistaken for Lew Staziak (Harve Presnell, "Fargo") — the retired private detective who used to occupy his office — Andy embraces the twist of fate and takes the case. Andy's incessantly supportive wife Jen (Amy Farrington, "The New Adventures of Old Christine") isn't sold on this risky new venture, that is, until she notices a sudden boost in Andy's self-confidence. Andy's neighboring merchants — Simon (Tony Hale, "Arrested Development"), Wally (Marshall Manesh, "Will & Grace") and Jessica (Ion Overman, "The L Word") join him in the dicey investigation. Whether chiding thugs for "renting instead of buying" or being pursued by Sri Lankan gangsters, Andy will prove to be a consummate problem-solver."

I can't wait to see Jeffrey Tambor, John Lithgow and Tony Hale in action! Find out what the rest of the lineup is and read the official NBC statement in full here.

Tomorrow ABC will be announcing it's fall schedule as will the other networks in the coming days. I'm mostly waiting to be put out of my misery over the faith of Veronica Mars, and anticipating to hear the CW's whole lineup, which will be unveiled on Thursday.

Bluth Family Quote of the Day

"Why go to a banana stand when we can make your banana stand? I give you Barbara and Dee! Don't worry, these young beauties have been nowhere near the bananas."

[GOB]

Lots of Lost Questions

Last night's Eko-centric Lost episode finally answered questions, like...er...Eko sees dead people. And dreams, a lot. Libby is alive! Nope, dies. Eko and Locke go on a quest to find the question. Locke is Eko's bitch. And the creepy psychic has a creepy daughter.

This episode is the almost last one of the season before the finale episode(s), so I was expecting a bit more in terms of revelations, action, everything. Let us hope that the new hatch has at least a taping of Jack's shower scene, eh?

So Michael claims 'some guy' came and shot the hell out of the hatchlings. Then left. (What?)

Ana is most definitely dead but still wants Eko to find the question. Libby spits. Then dies.

Eko and Locke manage to locate a new hatch, station Five; 'The Pearl'. The hatch is some kind of monitoring station filled with TV-screens, and showing live footage of Jack in the Swan - talk about a room with a view, with comfy chairs and...mail tube?

There's also another Orientation-film, and 'another' doctor - Dr.Marvin Candle-Holder, or something. Next week, next station Orientation-film doctor; Dr.Featherbottom? Me hopes.

The most exciting part was the preview, which you can watch here.

The next episode is titled 'Three Minutes' and should be Michael/Island-centric, and hopefully will show what he's been up to in the time he spent to get his boy back(!).

There's Zeke (Mr.Friendly)! He's working the fake-beard and... a stick/lasso! There are the other Others!
Walt is alive and is standing just outside! Please for the love of god tell us why the plane crashed! Why must I use this many exclamation marks?!

Sorry For Lack of Updates This Week

My computer 'Bennet' --yes I call him Bennet, what do you call yours?-- decided it was time for an early retirement plan, thus no updates since last Friday... Gasp!

Also, I experimented with some fake-tan and discovered it should be separated from toes at all times; and that wearing new shoes on a shopping trip is a definite no-no, unless you are into self-torture. Not that there's anything wrong with that, I'm just saying.

But how about that amazing Veronica Mars season finale!; last night's Lost; and Chris being sent home from American Idol - I mean what was that about? Besides the excitement over whether Paula falls off her chair and the fake-bitchy remarks between Ryan and Simon, Chris was the only reason I tuned in this season, or ever.

My cat's breath smells like catfood.

Bluth Family Quote of the Day

"I had this [car] shipped over from Blackstool. It's what I used to drive the Roger Moores about in."

[Mrs.Featherbottom]

Is it a Bird or a Plane? It's a Baby in Disguise

Do you want to witness a black-and-white pumpkin with a cute but slightly psychotic 'I will take over the world' kind of grin - and that's just the mother.
Then click here.

Lost in Action

Say what you will about last night's Lost episode, it can't be denied that there was finally some overdue - in my opinion, and the magical elves who live in my backyard agree - action to it.

Jack's father hangs out with Ana-Lucia in Australia? Ana knows that Jack is Christian's son? Jack has a half-sister? Ana and Sawyer get it on? Fenry wanted Locke all along because he is 'one of the good ones'? Hanso Foundation commercial on TV, anyone? Michael guns down Ana and Libby, then himself? This is what you get for driving under the influence?

What we learned is that Jack's father, Christian, can be found in a bar near you in Australia, but not why he thought it necessary to hire security (Ana) to accompany him on his trip to down under.

The fans seemed to quite unanimously come to the conclusion that Claire must be Jack's half-sister because the woman portraying the mother was Australian. And blonde. No evidence of creepy psychic though - not that I could see anyway, but wait untill those screencaps go up and we'll talk.

Ana had sex with Sawyer in order to distract him and get his gun - insert dirty joke here! - so that she could try fake kill fake Henry? But you just know that Henry doesn't go down like that, right? She's new though, and she has only killed a few times before this so we'll give her a break.

Kudos to the writers on the show for the Henry character; Michael Emerson, the actor who portrays the evil genius, has added tension and drama to the somewhat dragging (read: boring) episodes of late, and manages to look hot in bandages while doing it. Not many people can, you know.

What?

Right; the killing. So Michael drew the short stick and had to do the 'actresses arrested for DUI - firing' on the network's behalf, and shots himself in the process. Ana is dead but Libby not so much? At least that's what the rumourmill is saying.

Seems that Ana and her trailer have been MIA of the Lost set for a while now - well she was in prison, for reals - but Libby and her trailer-house is still firmly parked on the ground in Hawai. Of course one could argue the fact that Cynthia Watros has been signed on to 'guest star' on another CBS show with Tom Cavanagh, but I won't.

Come on, we need Libby on the show to find out why she was in the nuthouse with Hurley (and Dave), and who else on the show can we rely on to bring scandalous mugshots for us to enjoy for years to come? Ok, not years; they did kill Boone and Shannon and Hawai just doesn't have the police force or the booze to go by.

Michael shot himself? Yep, but only on the arm/shoulder area, or so it definitely seemed (And you know he's going to blame it all on poor Fenry). Michael can't just go and die now - or haven't you heard; he just wants his kid back! And I'll bet the others made him do it, promising him to get Walt. Walt? You ask; Because he is special; he can even appear in the rain and speak
backwards.

And my cat's breath smells like catfood. (Ok, that wasn't me, it was a character from The Simpsons, but I had to use it. Because I don't have a cat.)

Next week's episode is titled "?" And boy do we have a lot of those.

Bluth Family Quote of the Day

"The wife likes me in bright sweaters."

[GOB]

Fun Fact: Ton-Tongues

Blue Whales are the largest mammals on earth, but did you know that a Blue Whale's tongue is the size and weight of a full grown African Elephant, and is in fact so large that 50 people could stand on it. Considering that a full grown African Elephant is the largest living land-animal that is some serious ton-tongue.

Other tonguetastic creatures, like the Chameleon, has a tongue that can be over 1.5 times the lenght of it's body, and can shoot out to catch prey at speeds of 16 feet per second, whereas a Crocodile cannot stick it's tongue out at all; it's actually attached to the roof of it's mouth.

The longest human tongue ever recorded, according to The World Records, is 9,5 cm (3,74 inches) long.

And slightly off-subject, I just had to mention a fun (and disgusting) fact about dogs I discovered while watching a wolf documentary; the reason that dogs (or wolves, if you will) tend to lick your face is not because they are kissing you, it's because they are waiting for you to regurgigate food for them, as this is a habit they learned as pups.
Gross! OK, just to get that image off your head, I will say that they also lick you to show their affection towards you.

Go Bananas! Today's Delusional Celeb Quotes

"I'm in my fifth year sitting next to Simon Cowell.
Hell, you'd have a drinking problem too."
-Paula Abdul-

"I judge people on how they smell, not look."
-Jennifer Lopez-

"I'm the most important rock star right now."
-Pete Doherty-

[Sky News]

Bluth Family Quote of the Day

"Methinks a Cupid I shall play."

[Tobias Fúnke]

Advice Column Mr.Parrot-Buddy - Style

Once a week my favourite comedy value handpuppet Mr.Parrot-Buddy answers your burning questions about life as only he can. The rule is 'ask anything, expect nothing'.

THIS WEEK'S QUESTION:

Dear Mr.Parrot-Buddy, I suffer from
chronic fatigue, what can I do about it?
Couchpotato by email

MR.PARROT-BUDDY HAS THE REPLIES:
Damn Couchpotato, just take a nap bitch!
Even a loopy farm animal knows how to get
his freak on when it's fo sizzle time. You don't
see me going all miaow miaow, moo, moo,
cha caa, cha caa, do you?

What?

Bird is out.


[DISCLAIMER: Mr.Parrot-Buddy is an angry and ignorant bastard of a handpuppet who has enough problems to call his own to care about yours. But if you still want to bother him with your questions, you can do so by emailing him ]

Buff Bride Brigade

Tom Cruise has apparently enlisted his baby-mamma to a company called Buff Brides in preparation of their wedding.

"He told her he wants her to be the most beautiful bride ever.
She was in tears when he said that." [Sky News]
Save.Katie.Now.

Bluth Family Quote of the Day

"Beatrice!"

[Steve Holt]

My Random and Useless Top Five List No.7

ITEMS TO HAVE IN YOUR PURSE/MAN BAG IF YOU WERE AN ALIAS TYPE SECRET GOVERNMENT AGENT:

1. Night-time goggles

2. Miniature umbrella

3. Pencil sharpener

4. Toothpaste

5. Inflatable whoopi cushion

The Latest in Crazy: Tom Cruise Edition

"Katie is a young girl's name. Her name is Kate now. She's a child-bearing woman."

Please someone hire a friendly manatee to rescue Katie from her underwater dungeon before it's too late! Do it now while Tom is in the big apple promoting MI:III and living life in the magic fairy-land - New Yorkers consider yourselves warned.

Bluth Family Quote of the Day

"The solution to all our problems is staring you right in the face and it can't even see you."

[Barry Zuckercorn]