Gay Undertones Galore!
Oh boy, 
I just finished watching The Eurovision Song Contest,
and this show is always so bad it just can't be missed. The whole contest is one big eurotrash gay-apalooza! The key is to be as drunk as possible and treat the viewing experience as a musical ripe for parody. Love it!
This year, the event is held in Athens, Greece, and first in line are the semifinals, which lead to the big finale on Saturday. So there are 23 performances today, but only 10 of them get to be in the finale, voted by the viewers at home, of course.
Here's a brief recap of of the conversation that went on while watching the semifinals:
BELARUS:
[Me:] "First of all, I've never even heard of this country. Does that make me a bad person?"
[Viewing Buddy:] "No, just a stupid one.".
[Me:] "Hmmm... sounds a lot like Russian pop music, you know, like TATU --aren't they the fake-lesbians, or as I like to call them; 'flesbians'?"
ALBANIA:
[Viewing Buddy:] "What do you think of this guy then?"
[Me:] "I don't know. Looks a bit too constipated/Fabio-like. Why am I seeing gay undertones everywhere today?"
ANDORRA:
First off, a voice-over informs us that the next singer has a life-long dream of having dinner with the corpse, also known as Marc Athony. Enough said.
[Me:] "This performance is just like Victoria's Secret-show on crack! By the way, I wish someone would be singing in French tonight."
[Viewing Buddy:] "Um... There is France..."
[Me:] "OMG, you are right! I didn't even think of that... Hey didn't Celine Dion perform once in the Eurovision Song Contest?
MONACO:
Just really bad gay dancers. In red skirts. At one point one of them collapses on the ground, and then tries to save what's left of his performance by doing an awful imitation of 'the robot'. It does not work in his favour.
[Me:] "Are they singing something about coconuts?"
POLAND:
[Me:] "LOL! This is a gay reincarnation of the...woman who has snakes in her head...What was she called again?"
[Viewing Buddy:] "Medusa?"
RUSSIA:
[Me:]"Another gay Mark Owen look-a-like. And look; ballerinas!"
After the performance a voice-over makes a point to tell us that one of the ballerinas had to stay away tonight because she was refused a visa to enter the country. I shed a tear.
UKRAINE:
A voice-over telling that the next singer was born outside, in a minus 50 degree (Celcius) weather.
[Me:] "Now that's what I'm talking about. Those kinds of facts are really the reason why I'm watching. Also, gays with tambourines!"
FINLAND:
[Me:] "Oh lord... Now it has wings..."
[Viewing Buddy:] "Hard rock hallelujah!"
THE NETHERLANDS:
[Me:] "Bongos! Girl power! Are they seriously singing 'There are words to find in a place to hide'?"
[Viewing Buddy:] "I think most of it's gibberish."
[Me:] "Well that one goes without saying."
After the song a voice-over informs us that the group has been performing in 37 countries before this - which is impressive, even if no one noticed.
LITHUANIA:
The group singing "We are the winners...of the Eurovision."
[Me:] "It's gays stuck in the 80's! This is definitely in the 'so bad it's good' category."
[Viewing Buddy:] "Nice to see some actual sarcasm on stage."
[Me:] "Oh was there? I didn't catch that..."
PORTUGAL:
[Me:] "This group is a total Abba rip-off! They are singing 'the dancing queen', right?"
Group singing "We're gonna make you dance. Make you with style."
[Viewing Buddy:] "They certainly seem to love their outfits..."
[Me:] "It's flesbians in glittery spandex-ready wear. I like the hats though"
[Viewing Buddy:] "This is one of my favourites."
SWEDEN:
[Viewing Buddy:] "Do you think she's had any botox?"
[Me:] "I haven't seen the face close up yet."
[Viewing Buddy:] "Yeah but just look at that forehead. It doesn't even move! Must be the pressure of having won before..."
[Me:] "She's won before? What, so they just send the same singer every year?"
ESTONIA:
[Me:] "Well that outfit certainly doesn't change the 'russian hooker' stereotype, now does it? What is that, a wrestling champion belt?"
[Viewing Buddy:] "I think it's a boxer's belt..."
BOSNIA-HERZEGOVINA:
[Me:] "Violins! Oh this is by far my favourite. It's gays in white!"
[Viewing Buddy:] "Yeah...I'm excited..."
ICELAND:
A voice-over is saying that the next singer has caused some controversy and bad blood between the other contestants by her constant bad attitude and behaviour, and that the song even has the treaded 'F'-word in it.
[Me:] "So naturally I'm interested now!"
[Viewing Buddy:] "Wow, they are booing her!"
[Me:] "How do they know to boo beforehand though?
[Viewing Buddy:] "Well...The audience does get the performance list beforehand..."
[Me:] "Oh, this is the best shit ever! It's like Paris Hilton on crack, or a man in drag!"
[Viewing Buddy:] "Did she just call God 'dog'?"
I should mention that between the performances we are treated to a footage gathered from a Eurovision slave's...volunteer's point of view. Truly fascinating stuff.
[Viewing Buddy:] "Hey do you wanna go and be a volunteer next year?"
[Me:] "Who could resist the yellow t-shirts?"
[Viewing Buddy:] "I'm serious!"
[Me:] "Would we get hazard pay?"
Ok, so after all the 23 performances, of what really felt and sounded like a one continuous song, they are asking people to vote for their favourites. While the voting is going on the presenters have to entertain --there are two of them-- the crowd. Apparently the other one is a singer and is asked to perform while the votes are being counted, and you can just see the audience being so enthusiastic about this, going 'yeah, bitch...whatever'.
It's sad.
[Me:] "I like the dress the presenter is wearing."
[Viewing Buddy:] "It's pretty."
[Me:] "I mean the woman."
[Viewing Buddy:] "Yeah, I got that."
The results are in and the 10 countries who win a place to the finale are: Russia, Ireland, Finland, Turkey, Ukraine, Sweden, Former Yugoslavia..., Bosnia-Herzegovina, Lithuania and Armenia.
[Me:] "How the hell do you suppose they count all the votes from different countries this fast?"
[Viewing Buddy:] "It's called technology."
You simply must watch the finale online on the official
Eurovision website this Saturday!
I just finished watching The Eurovision Song Contest,and this show is always so bad it just can't be missed. The whole contest is one big eurotrash gay-apalooza! The key is to be as drunk as possible and treat the viewing experience as a musical ripe for parody. Love it!
This year, the event is held in Athens, Greece, and first in line are the semifinals, which lead to the big finale on Saturday. So there are 23 performances today, but only 10 of them get to be in the finale, voted by the viewers at home, of course.
Here's a brief recap of of the conversation that went on while watching the semifinals:
BELARUS:
[Me:] "First of all, I've never even heard of this country. Does that make me a bad person?"
[Viewing Buddy:] "No, just a stupid one.".
[Me:] "Hmmm... sounds a lot like Russian pop music, you know, like TATU --aren't they the fake-lesbians, or as I like to call them; 'flesbians'?"
ALBANIA:
[Viewing Buddy:] "What do you think of this guy then?"
[Me:] "I don't know. Looks a bit too constipated/Fabio-like. Why am I seeing gay undertones everywhere today?"
ANDORRA:
First off, a voice-over informs us that the next singer has a life-long dream of having dinner with the corpse, also known as Marc Athony. Enough said.
[Me:] "This performance is just like Victoria's Secret-show on crack! By the way, I wish someone would be singing in French tonight."
[Viewing Buddy:] "Um... There is France..."
[Me:] "OMG, you are right! I didn't even think of that... Hey didn't Celine Dion perform once in the Eurovision Song Contest?
MONACO:
Just really bad gay dancers. In red skirts. At one point one of them collapses on the ground, and then tries to save what's left of his performance by doing an awful imitation of 'the robot'. It does not work in his favour.
[Me:] "Are they singing something about coconuts?"
POLAND:
[Me:] "LOL! This is a gay reincarnation of the...woman who has snakes in her head...What was she called again?"
[Viewing Buddy:] "Medusa?"
RUSSIA:
[Me:]"Another gay Mark Owen look-a-like. And look; ballerinas!"
After the performance a voice-over makes a point to tell us that one of the ballerinas had to stay away tonight because she was refused a visa to enter the country. I shed a tear.
UKRAINE:
A voice-over telling that the next singer was born outside, in a minus 50 degree (Celcius) weather.
[Me:] "Now that's what I'm talking about. Those kinds of facts are really the reason why I'm watching. Also, gays with tambourines!"
FINLAND:
[Me:] "Oh lord... Now it has wings..."
[Viewing Buddy:] "Hard rock hallelujah!"
THE NETHERLANDS:
[Me:] "Bongos! Girl power! Are they seriously singing 'There are words to find in a place to hide'?"
[Viewing Buddy:] "I think most of it's gibberish."
[Me:] "Well that one goes without saying."
After the song a voice-over informs us that the group has been performing in 37 countries before this - which is impressive, even if no one noticed.
LITHUANIA:
The group singing "We are the winners...of the Eurovision."
[Me:] "It's gays stuck in the 80's! This is definitely in the 'so bad it's good' category."
[Viewing Buddy:] "Nice to see some actual sarcasm on stage."
[Me:] "Oh was there? I didn't catch that..."
PORTUGAL:
[Me:] "This group is a total Abba rip-off! They are singing 'the dancing queen', right?"
Group singing "We're gonna make you dance. Make you with style."
[Viewing Buddy:] "They certainly seem to love their outfits..."
[Me:] "It's flesbians in glittery spandex-ready wear. I like the hats though"
[Viewing Buddy:] "This is one of my favourites."
SWEDEN:
[Viewing Buddy:] "Do you think she's had any botox?"
[Me:] "I haven't seen the face close up yet."
[Viewing Buddy:] "Yeah but just look at that forehead. It doesn't even move! Must be the pressure of having won before..."
[Me:] "She's won before? What, so they just send the same singer every year?"
ESTONIA:
[Me:] "Well that outfit certainly doesn't change the 'russian hooker' stereotype, now does it? What is that, a wrestling champion belt?"
[Viewing Buddy:] "I think it's a boxer's belt..."
BOSNIA-HERZEGOVINA:
[Me:] "Violins! Oh this is by far my favourite. It's gays in white!"
[Viewing Buddy:] "Yeah...I'm excited..."
ICELAND:
A voice-over is saying that the next singer has caused some controversy and bad blood between the other contestants by her constant bad attitude and behaviour, and that the song even has the treaded 'F'-word in it.
[Me:] "So naturally I'm interested now!"
[Viewing Buddy:] "Wow, they are booing her!"
[Me:] "How do they know to boo beforehand though?
[Viewing Buddy:] "Well...The audience does get the performance list beforehand..."
[Me:] "Oh, this is the best shit ever! It's like Paris Hilton on crack, or a man in drag!"
[Viewing Buddy:] "Did she just call God 'dog'?"
I should mention that between the performances we are treated to a footage gathered from a Eurovision slave's...volunteer's point of view. Truly fascinating stuff.
[Viewing Buddy:] "Hey do you wanna go and be a volunteer next year?"
[Me:] "Who could resist the yellow t-shirts?"
[Viewing Buddy:] "I'm serious!"
[Me:] "Would we get hazard pay?"
Ok, so after all the 23 performances, of what really felt and sounded like a one continuous song, they are asking people to vote for their favourites. While the voting is going on the presenters have to entertain --there are two of them-- the crowd. Apparently the other one is a singer and is asked to perform while the votes are being counted, and you can just see the audience being so enthusiastic about this, going 'yeah, bitch...whatever'.
It's sad.
[Me:] "I like the dress the presenter is wearing."
[Viewing Buddy:] "It's pretty."
[Me:] "I mean the woman."
[Viewing Buddy:] "Yeah, I got that."
The results are in and the 10 countries who win a place to the finale are: Russia, Ireland, Finland, Turkey, Ukraine, Sweden, Former Yugoslavia..., Bosnia-Herzegovina, Lithuania and Armenia.
[Me:] "How the hell do you suppose they count all the votes from different countries this fast?"
[Viewing Buddy:] "It's called technology."
You simply must watch the finale online on the official
Eurovision website this Saturday!
posted by GK at 5:28 PM PERMALINK
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